A GARGOYLE CARE & FEEDING MANUAL
My name is Beezle, and I’m here to instruct you on an extremely vital topic – the correct way to care for your gargoyle.
Gargoyles have incredibly important jobs and their services are often unappreciated by the residents of the homes that they guard. A gargoyle can see the true nature of things. That means if a demon shows up at your door disguised as the electric meter reader I can see through all the layers of reality down to its true essence. Now, don’t you want to know if that handsome guy knocking on your door is really from ComEd or if he’s there to yank your intestines through your nostrils?
I, for one, would prefer to have that information in advance, and given the value of such information I think that the humans (especially a certain Agent of death) that live with gargoyles should provide them with the following:
- A steady supply of popcorn, preferably freshly popped at 15-minute intervals,
- As many Boston cream doughnuts as I want without arguing about saturated fat content,
- The so-called “emergency” chocolate stash should be redefined as “for all occasions” chocolate. Additionally, more quantity and variety in this stash would be welcome. Ghirardelli has many, many flavors of chocolate squares and there is no reason to be stingy.
- Cinnamon rolls from Ann Sather should magically appear in the kitchen at least twice a week. I do occasionally enjoy surprises so the days of the week can vary as long as my minimum cinnamon roll needs are being met.
- When we order pizza, we should also order buffalo chicken wings and mozzarella sticks. I don’t see why we have to have a loud discussion about this every time.
- Please stop buying vegetables. Nothing green will ever pass my lips unless it’s a sour apple Jolly Rancher.
If you have any further questions or suggestions on this topic, please direct them to my human, Madeline Black. She seems to be off in mortal peril at the moment (that happens a lot around here) but I will have her get in touch when she returns. If she returns.
If she doesn’t come back, who would like to adopt an incredibly adorable gargoyle? If you know how to bake, I’m all yours.
© 2011 Christina Henry. All rights reserved.